I started out planning to write this brilliant post and I stopped. I got to the page and thought “I’m such a fraud. What do I have to bring to the page that others might benefit from? Really, why am I pretending to have something I don’t?”
Reasons to Have Faith
Fortunately, I do have things, skills, knowledge and drive, that I can draw on. I know how to do stuff and I know how to get through the slow times, but I get hung up.
Sadly, I still struggle with an on-going consciousness rife with self-doubt. The moment I get things wrong or mess them up, it brings me to a place of intense despondency. (And I think that might be an oxymoron.) That is the time when I think that there’s no point in continuing. It’s time to give up and throw in the towel. But I get through it.
I’ve actually gotten better about this over the years. And I’ve added tools to my arsenal of doubt-fighting. I read other writers, blog writers who are real people writing about their experiences.
Blogging people have in common that they are willing to share their fallibility. And in so doing, they make me know I am not alone neither in making mistakes nor in trying to avoid them, correct them, or learn from them. Among these same fallible people, I find individuals who don’t give up because they know they’re supposed to grow. I find and I learn from people who push themselves and others to be better, to do better, and to start where they are.
To read from some of the people that help me to continue to grow and keep the faith, visit the people on my blogroll. It’s a short list but these are the guys who get me through. There are others who I learn from and still more who show me what not to do. These guys maintain blogrolls that are great resources along with the great content they provide.
Stemming the Motivation Fall-off
A major lesson I take from working towards a goal: Your motivation has to come from within. And when your spark is flickering as if to go out, it’s critical to know what fuels your fire and tap into it. Have you even read something that made you want to pick up your pen, or change the way you do a thing? Have you ever taken a walk, or stretched, or visited a gym and had your ideas fall all out of your head on your way home?
Such an experience happened to me recently. In the throes of not completing my NaNoWriMo goal of 50,000 words, self-doubt started to bleed into everything. My story line became suspect. I thought there was no way to pull it off. My poems came under fire of my evil critic. The final verdict: Favor the world and just give up.
My anguish over this obvious failure, plus the words of my critic, plus any negative feedback I have ever received, told me that I was wrong to continue. It was best to stop now and spare the world. It was time to focus on my day job and quit the tomfoolery of wanting to be a writer, a poet, one paid to string words together on paper—again. (It didn’t matter that I’d done it before.)
What Helps?
Self-Acceptance
Release yourself from the pressure of having to perform. If you fail, you don’t necessarily die, you just have to start over or revise your schedule. Accept wherever you are and keep breathing. (I don’t participate in the writing projects that say write or die–I just take it to heart that much sometimes.)
Exercise
It’s different for everyone but there is one, often more than one solution to help you. There was one for me. My solution came to me after I was reduced to tears, after I was forced to acknowledge the failure I am. I gave up. I let go and moved away from the work. I got some breakfast and stretched. It was actually a workout that pulled out sweat to camouflage my tears. Endorphins are a writer’s best friend.
Reflection
I began to recall my skills and dreams that got me to this point of wanting to write. There were good things I’ve done, and have yet to do. Appreciating that I didn’t miss all my goals helps too. I remembered that I had a skill which while not perfect, was present for me to cultivate it. And I thought about how the novel manuscript is still alive as long as I don’t throw it away.
Journaling
If you don’t keep a journal, consider trying it. My journal helps me to get things out of my head as the jumble it is. Laying them out on paper can often bring me surprising clarity and enhanced focus.
Movement
I went right back to the activities that worked to scare the hell out of me. Continuing the poetry and the novel manuscript (albeit not on time) is moving forward. That is a how I am a giant success. I move forward in the face of my fear. Sometimes I even stick my tongue out at it.
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